In closing, I do hope you’ll keep me in mind for any future global conspiracies. And, if we’re just spinning our wheels despite the direct support of Satan Himself (who frankly seemed pretty rattled about our progress), then maybe we should all be rethinking the G.L.C.P.C. I’m glad that cigarette use in movies is down and soccer continues to gain in popularity, but that really doesn’t convince me that all the baby-eating is worth it. Are we any closer to a socialist-plutocratic New World Order than when we started? The Gathering was a chance to reassure members that the Conspiracy is not completely off the rails, but even the Treasurer’s report was alarming-why does the portfolio have so much crypto?! Do we control the economy or not? And the video highlighting our recent achievements was flat-out depressing.
Not just the “immortality by way of cannibalism.” The whole damn thing. Which brings me to the real reason I have to resign. And President Biden wasn’t even there, because he’d fallen off a couch earlier that day. The other night, Senator Feinstein basically had to be carried up the schist steps to the Basin. How she ate “ so much baby” and drank “ so much blood.” And then the next day she died. does it? Since I joined the G.L.C.P.C., so many people have told me about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s “epic” final Feast and Slaking. Needless to say, I left early, even though the Rothschilds had brought a “special surprise” that turned out to be solid-gold live birds.Īs I walked back home through the secret tunnels under the Denver airport, I found myself wondering, Is this really how we’re going to make a better world? By worshipping the Devil and eating babies? Yes, I know that eating babies and drinking their blood grants us immortality. I guess we should eat him next!” This got a big laugh (although it was kind of a kissing-ass, I-think-that’s-Hanks-under-there laugh). And then, at the Gathering of the Cabal last Wednesday, as the line was forming before the Slaking Altar, Tom Hanks (he was wearing a brass goat head, but I’m pretty sure it was Hanks) noticed me standing off to the side and said, “What a baby. At dinners, I somehow always found myself seated next to fucking Mark Zuckerberg. I was frequently left out of inside jokes about ritualistic baby-eating. In reality, those noble ideals go only so far. As I said during the interview process, it shouldn’t matter what I eat isn’t the whole point of the Conspiracy to create a better world, one of tolerance and inclusion? Where a dog can marry a car and there are zero guns and the Thought Police punish Wrong-Think®? At the time, Hillary Herself stood and applauded those sentiments (I was quoting her, but still), and then everyone started clapping and then it turned into an orgy. Clearly, my choice not to participate in the rite of eating human babies and drinking their blood has held me back. I got a high five from Oprah!Īnd yet I never felt entirely welcome.
And, later that evening, I helped Oprah and Pope Francis drown him. I also was the one to suggest that maybe “Q” from QAnon is that guy Quentin who was always taking pictures with his phone. I’m proud to say that incidences of confused Little League teams accidentally being given child prostitutes are way down.
#Conspire magazine code#
It was my idea that we stop using “cheese pizza” as code for “child prostitute” at the pizzerias that we own around the world as fronts for child prostitution. Since then, I have been an active and involved member of the G.L.C.P.C.
A few weeks later, I was listening to “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version),” and there, hidden in the part about the refrigerator, was my invitation to the 2021 Feast of the Innocents-slash-orgy in the crypt under the Lincoln Memorial! After that, of course, I was able to understand the coded messages you were sending through C- SPAN, pop culture, and Wordle. So I was relieved to wake up one midnight, unable to move, to find a sulfurous imp (aglow on its forehead the Greek letter eta: “H,” for “Hillary”) crawling into my mouth.
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